Posted by Jamie Buckland on Monday, January 27, 2014
Okay, just stick with me for a moment.
For over ten years of marriage, my husband and children have decided what we watch when the TV is on. I've sat through years of ESPN , cartoons, too many survival shows to mention, and enough Animal Planet to skip elementary science altogether.
Not until a few months ago, when my husband got a new television for the living room, and I inherited the old one in our room, did I ever have the luxury of going off by myself to watch whatever I possibly could choose to watch.
Up until then, I could get by with a few moments of smut television here and there. Yes, I admit it. I do not mind to pollute my brain with trashy television in small, occasional doses.
I find it somewhat entertaining to see how ridiculous people can be. I suppose I am as ignorant and shallow as millions of other idiots.
I do not mind Real Housewives or Kardashian silliness, and I really do absolutely l-o-v-e the scripted show Parenthood. So this evening, after we scarfed down some delicious beef vegetable soup, and finally decided that our game of Beckleyopoly would seriously never end unless we just called it quits, I retired into my bedroom to surf channels that my children are not allowed to hear, much less see.
I am somewhat of a prude, so even I can't sit and watch all of this without my remote in hand to turn if it gets a wee bit sketchy, but when Kris Jenner decides she is going to practice for Broadway, well, I had to stay tuned in!
When she decides to clue Bruce in on her new venture, he gives her some of the most sound advice I think I have ever heard.
I really do wish I could have recorded it! But my recap of it will have to do.
Kris felt like she had gotten some really good feedback from some folks that she was singing and dancing with, and yet she felt she hadn't gotten a lot of support from some others. She basically felt like Kim and her pal were making fun of her when she was trying to tell them about her desire to perform.
And this is when Mr. Jenner tells it like it is...he says that in order to take on something new, you have to figure out how much room for insecurity you have.
I often get viewed as someone who can push, push, push and put all of myself out there without little fear of the backlash. That simply isn't the case. I do fear some backlash, and I definitely don't relish in it.
In fact, I think something that drives me to the point of error is my fear of insecurity holding me back.
Yep. You got me. I am almost so scared of not doing something out of the fear of what others will think, that I push myself to live out my life not listening to that voice that could in any way restrain me.
It definitely does not always work out in my favor. I hurt people, often, without even realizing it because I can be bold to a fault.
I open myself up to criticism, critiquing, and harsh treatment because people expect that I signed up for that, and therefore I should be able to handle it.
I guess my point in all of this tonight is that we all operate from a place deep within that shapes our actions, our voice, and our drive. I should hope that mine is influenced greatly by Christ and a desire to minister to His people, but I also know that the place I am operating from is still deeply rooted in Jamie and who she was before Christ started His work.
Now, I am sure we could get all crazy about how my childhood has shaped who I am, and many of you that are much more intelligent than I am could analyze and diagnose me here on the spot, but I just wanted to think, type, and publish without doing too much of the thinking.
I also tend to operate that way, ya know, act now and think later. Yep. That could definitely define me.
You see, if I do too much of that thinking, that voice, that fear, that doubt, well, it will be there. And I will be tempted to listen.
Nine times out of ten. I do not have room for that insecurity, so I don't limit myself, I don't cap off, and I don't think about things in the scope of not being able to accomplish them. That isn't to say that I think I am so awesome that I can do all things at an amazing level, it is that I don't need to be amazing at them. I will be happy that I just attempted them.
So the next time you read something I post, or watch a video I upload, or scroll my pics I share, do me a favor and view me from the place I am operating. Don't interprete me from where you operate. View me knowing that my fear of insecurity throws me out into the wind and gets me beat up pretty bad most days.
Give me some grace as I stay pretty bruised, and please know that I am not living my life trying to boldly and bravely chase anything coming and going as much as I am running from my own visions of a trembling Jamie that missed out because she caved to her fear.
So, thank you Bruce Jenner for simplifying words in a way that triggered this thought for me. I don't guess I ever realized that my obsessive push to try new things as an adult wasn't because I had so much room for the insecurities, but more because my insecurity is rooted in not trying.
I hope you didn't find this an enormous waste of time to read to the end, I know it definitely was good for me to think through.
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