Posted by Jamie Buckland on Tuesday, April 5, 2011
That pretty much describes me these days.  I want to attempt to empty my innards here and get on with my day without spending my entire lunch break on the computer, but well, we all know about my problem condensing.

Last week I was bathing in the Caribbean sun while my husband and children dove for conk shells off the shore of a bonafied uninhabited Bahamian island.  I was eating more ice cream cones than any human, pregnant or not, should consume in any one day.  I was thoroughly enjoying the man I married while we made unforgettable memories with our first and second born children.  All the while, I was very aware that soon this belly will deflate and our third born child will change this spoiled little life of mine quite a bit.  In fact, the inflating of my belly is already changing my life quite a bit.

Uncomfortable is when you've been heavy, really heavy, and you've worked hard to not be so heavy, and then a giant blessing is handed to you that involves getting some heaviness back.  I'm trying to not be shallow here people.  I'm also trying to not be unthankful.  I'm also trying to not sound petty.  I'm even trying to not make excuses...but, the truth is, when I was surrounded with lighter women who obviously are ignorant to the beauty of modesty, I was extremely uncomfortable.  My growing midsection makes it hard to bend over, which makes me uncomfortable.  My growing midsection is making it hard to breathe, which makes me uncomfortable. 

I'm tired a lot, which makes me uncomfortable.  I'm not so motivated, which makes me uncomfortable.  I'm extremely irritable, which makes me uncomfortable.  I'm not as efficient, which makes me uncomfortable.  My thoughts are fuzzy, not as clear, and I'm having a hard time teaching the kids because honestly I feel really dumb, and yes, this makes me uncomfortable.  Ethan is constantly correcting me for saying the wrong thing, and I'm confusing poor Emma when I fail miserably at doing simple math or get confused when trying to spell 1st grade words!

Ethan, Emma, and myself went for a walk around the neighborhood yesterday, because as you all probably know, it actually WASN'T freezing cold or snowing!  It was a really good walk, and I felt good that I had actually exerted some energy and didn't pass out.  But then two hours later, I was ready to fall fast asleep and dinner needed cooked, clothes needed put away, and my husband needed a wife who wasn't fast asleep when he got home from work.  In case you haven't guessed it yet, I took pride in working hard to keep it all together, and well, pride did indeed come before this fall.

I know I need to find a new normal, many of you have encouraged me to do that, and I am still attempting to do so.  But it is hard for me.  Can I be completely honest?  I spent the last 2 years, since knee surgery, convincing myself that I wasn't lazy, I wasn't undisciplined, I wasn't weak, and I wasn't out of control of my life, because being lazy, undisciplined, weak, and out of control resulted in me being really discontent.  This helped me to build a life that consisted of being active, eating healthy, schooling consistently, growing my first little garden, and balancing all of my passions in a way that didn't leave me feeling drained.  I felt alive.  I liked it.  I liked getting up early and getting a ton of stuff done during the day with my kids by my side. 

In my mind, unless I'm up early, and getting a ton of stuff done, I feel really lazy, undisciplined, weak, and out of control.  The problem is, when I awake early, I feel pretty yucky for a good hour.  And to not feel yucky, I take my nice little white medicine.  The nice little white medicine makes me really like naps, and the truth is, I don't feel like being on target.  I feel like hiring someone else to do all the stuff that I need to do, and I'll just sit back, supervise, and have them bring me chicken sandwichies, chocolate ice cream, and Pepsi.  (Oh, and I really like Wendy's new fries)

Ah, I just read this and about deleted it...but I'm not going to.  Because being scared of people knowing how I really feel makes me super uncomfortable.

So, with ALL THIS BEING SAID, my son has fixed a gourmet lunch consisting of Schwans chicken fries and mac n cheese, so I will close up this laptop and proceed to fill myself up wth valuable nutrition. 

Now - before I do so, let me be clear, I didn't write this for pity!  More of a confessional that it has been painful to realize I do not have it all together, and that I really never did, no one does.  I don't suck because I have resorted to buying Nature's Own bread instead of baking it fresh every week, I suck because baking it fresh every week made me think I didn't suck.

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Jamie Buckland
Jamie Buckland
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